We Miss You, Brendan Fraser

If you’re ever in the mood for a good cry, just go and have a look at Brendan Fraser’s IMDB page. Go on. Give it a go. Open up a new tab and have a gander at the absolutely atrocious list of films Fraser’s been in over the last few years. Seriously, do it.

Sad, isn’t it? And what’s even more sad is this really sad picture of Brendan Fraser looking properly sad:

Christ, would you look at that? He looks like he’s just seen a puppy been shot. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’d rather see a puppy be shot than look into the hollow abyss contained within Brendan Fraser’s baby blues.

Once Hollywood’s go-to affable action hero, it seems that Brendan Fraser’s stardom has gradually declined to the point where I’m probably the only person thinking about him today. And he’s got 3 children who could be doing all thinking that but they’re not and it’s me doing it instead.

Though he is probably most well-known for his iconic portrayal of dare-devil adventurer Rick O’Connell in The Mummy Trilogy, it was Fraser’s charming comedic performances in feel-good 90s flicks like Encino Man and Airheads that really cemented his place as a genuine Box-Office draw. And rightly so. I don’t care to admit the ungodly number of times I forced my parents to sit through George of the Jungle throughout my childhood, but I maintain to this day that it was robbed of winning Best Picture at the 1997 Oscars by James Cameron and his cunting Titanic.

And I know what you’re thinking: sure, he was amusing for a relatively brief time-period in a few light-hearted family films. But can he actually act? And to answer that question my dear reader all I need to do is direct you to Season 3, Episode 14 of Scrubs. Also known as the fucking saddest half-hour of television in existence and likely the saddest half-hour you will experience today. In fact, I’m pretty sure the only way you could undergo an unhappier half hour would be to spend it staring at the aforementioned picture of Brendan Fraser. I’d personally recommend the former.

You’re probably wondering at this point what happened in Brendan Fraser’s life to send him into such a downward spiral. He was, after all, destined for great things. He was nominated for a 2001 Teen Choice Award, things were on the up, it seemed. He had his own website and everything. Just take a look at his official site here.

That website's actually a terrible example to be honest as I'm pretty certain it hasn’t been updated since the early 2000s. Which is at it turns out really quite an apt allegory for Fraser’s own career. So what exactly did go wrong for our lovable goof?

Well, folks. As it often does when you're forced to watch the same inane children's movie over and over again by your overly precocious son: Marriage went wrong.  Having met his ex-wife Afton Smith whilst attending a barbecue at Winona Ryder's house (yeah, I know, where was my invite?), Fraser and Smith underwent a pretty messy divorce back in 2009 which has since resulted in Fraser having to pay Smith an annual alimony of $900,000 every single year for the rest of his life. That’s approximately $154 every hour-and-a-half of his sad-eyed existence (which is coincidentally the exact run-time of George of the Jungle).

I think that harrowing fact showcases two very life lessons: 1) Kanye was right and you should get a pre-nup And 2) No good can ever possibly come from consuming grilled meat at Winona Ryder’s house.

Things aren’t all doom and gloom however. Fraser has recently been cast in a Bollywood Mafia thriller called The Field. Which is, you know, a good thing isn’t it? India’s a big place and hopefully Brendan can utilise that market to reignite this career back to the roaring flame it once was. And well, at least he’s not Frankie Muniz. So there’s always that.